Living in Florida is…different.
For one thing, there’s the weather. I remember glancing down at the temperature reading on my car’s dashboard last Christmas Day and seeing 72. That’s just crazy, y’all. I also fondly remember enjoying a day at the beach last January. And that is awesome.
Speaking of the weather, there’s the typical Florida wardrobe. Evie and I have gone grocery shopping in our bathing suits, and no one batted an eye. I mean, we were wearing cover ups, but still. Also, lots of bright colors and white pants. Oh, and sandals and jewelry bedazzled with tiny sea creatures. Gold jewelry. BIG gold jewelry. One day I wore a coral-colored flow-y blouse with a bright pink camisole underneath, white capris, gold sandals and lots of gold jewelry. I declared to my husband that I had gone full Florida. Like Downey, Jr.’s character in Tropic Thunder, I was “head to toe legit.”
Then there’s the darker side of Florida. The thing they don’t tell you, that you would never suspect. But I’ll warn you now before you get to thinking, “Hey, I’d like to grocery shop in my bathing suit, dress up like a Jordan Almond and decorate my Christmas tree with pink flamingo lights! Let’s move to Florida!” Wait. Just wait. You should know something.
So, you know how you’re just sort of casually aware of nature where you live? Like, you hear the birds, you see the squirrels, yada, yada. Maybe on an odd day you’ll see a little green snake or some damn raccoons will turn over your garbage cans. But that’s about it. Well, friends, here in Florida nature is aware of us.
I submit this recent news story into evidence. I mean, what the hell? Right? This poor woman walked out to her car one morning, travel mug in one hand, car keys in the other, thinking about her grocery list, and out of nowhere she was attacked by a monkey.
And that’s not all. A friend of mine posted this picture on her Facebook page.
This prehistoric and horrifying creature was, you know, just hangin’ outside her family’s hotel room. My favorite part were all the comments on this jaw-dropping nightmare of a Facebook post. Commentators casually shared their own stories of alligators coming up in their backyards, alligators charging across golf courses, alligators breaking into houses and mercilessly devouring whole families. Okay, that last part isn’t true. BUT IT COULD BE!
Another friend of mine shared a helpful hint with me regarding alligators. They can’t run in a zig-zag motion, so if you happen to be chased by one, run in a serpentine fashion so as to avoid being brought down to the ground and to your death. Just, you know. In case you happen to be mowing the lawn one Sunday afternoon and find yourself faced with an alligator and your own mortality.
My fellow Floridians! YO! There is something wrong here! This is not a normal way to live! It is not normal to be attacked by a monkey in your driveway! It is not normal to have a “neighborhood armadillo”. It’s not normal to go to the park and see a sign forbidding patrons from “feeding or molesting the alligators”! Yes! I actually saw this sign!
Obviously it is normal down here in the Sunshine State. Or should I say the State That Has Lost Its Mind.
For those of you still not freaked out and actually kind of over me right now, check this mess out.
This is a sign. Something is watching Florida. Something monstrous. Something sinister. Something with only one eyeball now.
Oh, and by the way, a GIANT EYEBALL washed up on the freakin’ beach!
I was chatting with a friend in her driveway late one evening when we heard a strange noise coming from the side of her house.
“What was that?” I said, not a little worried for our safety.
“This is Florida, Katie. It could be anything,” she replied.
OMG, you guys.